For the past couple of years I have been CHASING my dream of a “bigger” life.
I have been running after a dream of coming into myself fully, of being of the highest service, of “shining my light” brighter than ever before, and being richer than I could ever imagine.
Now I’m in a place where even just reading those first two sentences makes me laugh.
Not because of my dreams, but because of the way I desperately ran after them.
I went after every shiny object that seemed like it would get me my dream: digital courses that promised to help me with money, business and spirituality, in-person workshops + retreats, 1:1 coaching I couldn’t afford, and a couple different MLM’s that made me starry-eyed about working less and earning residual income.
I was chasing down a dream that I wasn’t even clear on...
All I knew is that I wanted to live a more meaningful life.
I wanted to feel purposeful. I wanted to die knowing I made a difference.
I wanted (and still want) that difference to be MASSIVE.
But what I didn’t realize - and now do - is something that I believe (and time will tell) will make all the difference.
There is nothing to chase.
Social media makes it very easy to believe (and I think on some level I was guilty of being part of this) that if you aren’t leaving your 9-to-5 to follow your dreams, that you must not be fulfilling your purpose.
Social media can make someone who is struggling every month to pay their expenses, APPEAR as though they are living with an excess of money from their coaching or spiritual business.
There is not a lot of transparency in the social media world that we are surrounded by.
The illusion that I could instantly be rich and happy by following my dreams consumed me.
Meanwhile, my “dreams” were totally hazy.
They changed with each course I took, with each coach I worked with.
And here’s why:
I was chasing a vision of earning money to lead a life I wanted - a life of travel, free time, music, fun and giving back. The funny thing is, my life does have all of that without the riches I was chasing!
Even though EVERY teacher, coach and healer I ever had all explicitly advised against following money first - and I justified to myself that I wasn’t - I was living in such a state of lack while watching what appeared to be abundance on social media, that I was subconsciously chasing financial wealth above anything else.
Don’t get me wrong, financial wealth is a wonderful thing to have and to desire - but it clouded up my vision of what I truly desired.
I didn’t let myself dream about what I actually wanted to do with my life because I didn’t think it would make me money.
I chased the vision of making money.
I chased the vision of making an impact.
I chased the vision of making a better future for myself and the world.
But by chasing ANYTHING we imply energetically that it could never exist in the PRESENT MOMENT.
When we chase, we send the emotional (aka energetic) message that there is no way we could have what we want.
The tricky thing about chasing is that it can sometimes feel like its opposite: allowing. I thought I was welcoming in my dream.
I’m only just seeing the difference now.
After accepting that my current state of massive debt, while working my full-time business and a part time job to make ends meet and living in a barn without running water IS AN EXCELLENT STATE TO LIVE IN, I am now free to allow.
Because of this I also realize now how contradictory parts of my story had been.
I proudly have written about how I went from being overworked and underpaid while being heavily medicated and controlled by mental illness to working for myself and being blissfully medication free.
While this is true - it implies that my past circumstance was “bad” or “wrong.”
This simply isn’t true, let alone possible.
Every step along the journey is perfect. It’s exactly what we need. While growth is good, we can’t shun the “bad” stuff.
Now someday my goal is that I’ll be able to say “I went from living in a barn without running water to being featured as one of TIME’s Most Influential People.”
If I reach my goal, it won’t be because I wanted to get out of a “bad” place and into a “good” place. It will be because I accepted in my heart that no matter what area I am in in my life, it is exactly what it needs to be.
I suppose on some level I have been doing this for years, but there’s always been an underlying feeling of “but it’d be better if….”
While I am eager for the future and excited for all that’s to come, I now start each day with a thought or journal entry that says “thank you for this being the best day of my life so far.”
Today could be my last day.
If I have a feeling that my life won’t be “complete” or “whole” or “good enough” until I’m filthy rich, living as a NYT bestselling author, multi-platinum recording artist, motivational speaker, founder of a chain of self-love + creativity youth programs, and a philanthropist...well then it’s very possible that I’ll never feel whole or complete.
And I can say that without feeling defeated or like I don’t have enough faith.