Today I suffered a MASSIVE "Ego Hangover."
I went to see my teacher, Gabby Bernstein’s, Judgement Detox book launch yesterday to hear her speak about her six-step program on releasing judgement.
During her talk I was feeling so confident and proud of myself because I do the work she was teaching on a daily basis and I joyfully teach others to do the same. I’m constantly observing and forgiving all fear-based thoughts (judgements) throughout the day. I choose to see people as their truth, which is love, no matter how hard it is to do so. I welcome in the lessons judgement has for me and forgive myself whenever I start to judge myself for judging. I do energetic healings to deepen this work.
So...I’m sitting there feeling proud and accomplished, but then Ego starts piping up with thoughts like “wow, you’re better than everyone who needs this stuff.”
Uh oh. Can’t I just enjoy feeling proud of myself without Ego interfering? 😂
This particular judgement I was experiencing can cause a lot of harm. When you see yourself as better than others, you’re judging the whole world as less than you. This simply isn’t true and is a very sneaky trick Ego likes to play because it feels good. It appears to be a positive thing to think or say about yourself, but you’re only feeding into the conversation of separation between yourself and others.
Anytime we believe in separation, we’re going against our truth that we are all one. The truth that we are all love.
I pushed the thought aside so I could enjoy her talk, but in doing so I strengthened this lower vibration. Instead of facing it and dissolving it by forgiving it (the exact thing I was priding myself in doing), I pushed it aside, making it louder. This lowered my vibration, opening me up to opportunities to experience more lower vibration situations.
To make matters worse (or better, who’s to say?), I said a prayer to Universe after her talk to help me grow even further in my spiritual development.
I’ve been feeling continually and consistently high-vibe for several weeks straight. This is largely thanks to the energy work I've done with Rebecca Packard, who was also at the talk last night. (Side note: if you're looking for a healer, I highly recommend her work.)
I have been loving being on this "high flying disc" so consistently and didn’t want it to end, but I knew that if I’ve left any stone unturned in my own personal development that I’d be doing myself a disservice by letting an opportunity for growth hide in the background.
So I asked Universe to illuminate anything else I need to work on for releasing judgement.
Universe delivered. As she always does.
On my drive home from the event, I learned that a friend of mine had spread rumors about me from something that happened years ago that simply wasn’t true. Furthermore, I found out a loved one didn’t know whether to believe my side (the truth - not that I still feel defensive or anything😉) or the rumor.
This triggered all sorts of judgements and feelings in me, leaving me waking up today with a massive Ego Hangover.
I felt defensive, hurt, bruised, defeated, scared, confused, insignificant, untrusted and unworthy. Worst of all was how it triggered in me “feeling crazy,” which as someone who once had a diagnosis of “clinically insane” labeled on her, this is probably my most painful trigger and requires a ton of spiritual work to unpack.
That’s a lot to bring up all at once! But then again, I allowed my vibes to dip (by pushing aside a feeling of "better than") and asked Universe to give me more opportunities to heal.
I totally had this coming.
Lucky for me I’m writing a book right now helping people release these kinds of emotions and this experience will strengthen the current chapter I’m writing. Gabby always says to “teach what you’re going through” and boy am I going through it today.
I made feeling better (not just at the surface, but at the root cause of my issue) priority number one this morning. I let myself sleep three hours longer than usual. I took my time lounging in comfortable clothes and I went to work uncovering these fears to face them head on and do the work required to release them before doing anything else with my day.
I filled up several pages of my notebook, moving from exploring the fears and judgements I was experiencing, to finding their lessons, seeing opportunities to feel grateful, pausing for forgiveness and welcoming in a new perspective. I spent time giving myself an energy healing releasing blocks I was feeling in my heart chakra. It’s a beautiful process but something odd (for me at least) has happened.
My vibration moved up, but only to a neutral zone. I’m in the middle of low and high vibes. I lifted myself out of the gunk by shining a light and healing it and yet, I’m just at an emotional equivalent to that of indifference.
Since we’re always where we’re meant to be, I know this is not by chance. BUT, it’s leading me to have to do work on not judging myself for staying here.
I know I am a deliberate creator of my reality. This is something we all can be, and if we're not doing it deliberately then we're doing it unconsciously - so we might as well learn how to transform fears to love to be deliberate about creating our reality.
This is why it was imperative when I woke up to raise my emotional vibration so that I did not manifest more in my life that is equivalent to the immense shame I felt with my Ego Hangover this morning.
I’m not sure what you manifest when you’re in neutral, but I guess I’ll be finding out.
Abraham does teach about the importance of a neutral state to help you observe where your thoughts go, but as a proudly “intense” person, I'll be honest that neutral is outside my comfort zone except for when I’m in my meditation practice.
For now I’m going to explore it and see what lessons it has to offer me. I will continue to listen to my body and honor what comes up. I will keep doing the work of uncovering my fears and judgements to release them from my energy field.
I know Ego Hangovers are beautiful teachers that lead us towards profound shifts. I feel I am at the precipice of one. Perhaps its realization will bring another blog post or a live video lesson, but for now I just want to share that even as I teach my clients and students how to heal their fears, judgements and limiting beliefs, I too go through experiences that confuse me, that challenge me, and that are new to me.
I stay steadfast in my commitment to loving and honoring myself by doing the spiritual work required to heal these wounds so I can grow, not just for myself but also so that I may be of a greater service to the world. Something that is true for everyone willing to make this commitment.
If you want to be led in a deeper journey for your own spiritual growth, find out more about opportunities to that spiritual work with me here.